The Devil's Drabblings
by The Lime in the Coconut
Summary: A cheery, lighthearted collection of Sincentric drabbles. Fun for the whole family! Chapter Six: Of Dreams.
1. Of Gluttony and Girlfriends

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. I own you.

**Chapter One:** In Which Gluttony Tries to get a Girlfriend

Gluttony is sad.

You see, Gluttony is a very polite and sensitive kind of guy.

Remember when Lust told him to wipe his mouth after he eats?

He wiped his mouth right away. No ifs, no buts. That mouth was WIPED.

That's how polite he is.

Remember when Mustang fried Lust to a crisp, and Gluttony was so sad that he kept mumbling to himself that Lust was gone? He went through Marcoah's stuff, trying to find her. It broke my heart to see the little bugger sniffing the floor and whispering "Lust…Lust."

That's how damned sensitive he is.

But regardless of politeness or sensitivity, we must remember that Gluttony is, of course, sad for a REASON.

It would be rather silly if he weren't, after all. What kind of story would this be if it started with "Gluttony is sad" when Gluttony ISN'T sad at all? HAW!

But if we go a little further back into the past, we can pinpoint our chubby chum's reason for such despair.

Shall we take a look?

That was a rhetorical question, actually, because I really can't hear you no matter what you say. That would be just weird. So I'll assume that you just said "yes" inwardly. I say "inwardly" because just yelling "YES!" out loud at random isn't the kind of thing you do when you're trying to make friends. Trust me, I've tried it. You can do that if you want, of course, but don't I say I didn't just warn you.

Anyway.

One sunny morning in mid-April when the crocuses were just beginning to dot the meadows, Gluttony was happily rolling around the fields next to Dante's Evil Lair of Doom.

If you didn't know before, Gluttony just ADORES rolling around in the fields on sunny mornings in mid-April. Why? Don't ask me, ask him. I suppose that it's just one of those things we'll never understand, like crop circles or the Big Bang or why Pride keeps one of those pink electronic diaries or why Envy keeps stalking Edward.

But as Gluttony rolled to and fro, merrily humming the score of "Les Miserables" to himself, he perchance gazed out into the distance, whereupon he spied a cute little young couple happily frolicking a short ways away from where the overweight Homunculus sat. Intrigued, Gluttony quickly dropped to the ground and sat still. Cupping a hand to his ear, he was able to hear the following:

"Oh, John."

"Oh, Marsha."

"John, John."

"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

And then, they kissed.

Being a Homunculus, Gluttony cannot truly understand the concept of "love". In theory, no artificial being can possess such complex feelings such as kindness or anger or joy or be able to feel sympathy for the less fortunate or to show empathy for those around them.

But then again, we must remember that Gluttony is no ordinary Homunculus. If you want to, scroll up the page a bit and read about his politeness and sensitivity.

Again.

Due to these emotions, Gluttony was able to feel happiness when he viewed the pair sharing a moment. But as they two soon began to depart, Gluttony felt a twinge of jealousy in his hard ol' heart.

And suddenly, it hit him. Food wasn't the answer. All he needed was love.

Clearly, he'd have to find a girlfriend.

But how to find one?

He'd have to ask the other Homunculi for help, of course.

His first thought was to ask his dearest Lust for assistance, but he quickly remembered that Lust was getting what Dante called "Beauty Rest", and DAMN if anybody lives to tell the tale of disturbing Lust's Beauty Rest. That's as bad as stealing Pride's pink electronic diary, or trying to steal some of Gluttony's food, or calling Edward a midget.

He considered asking Envy, but quickly remembered that the older Sin was stalking Edward like he's always doing. Lust said to give them some "Alone Time", which caused Wrath to giggle and Greed to chortle and Sloth to raise an eyebrow. When Gluttony asked Lust what that meant, Lust calmly replied that he'd find out when he's older.

Sloth was nice and all, but she was too busy scolding Wrath at the moment to help. Gluttony didn't much like Wrath, who seemed to think that the larger Homunculus was something of a pillow. Gluttony tried to prove that he wasn't, but Wrath was a brat and brats don't listen to ANYBODY.

Except Envy. Wrath liked Envy. And I mean LIKED HIM liked him.

Greed was FAR too awesome to waste his time with somebody like GLUTTONY.

That left Pride.

And wonder of wonders, Gluttony turned around the corner and GUESS WHO WAS THERE?

"Hello," harrumphed Pride.

"Hello," mumbled Gluttony. "Pride, can I ask you for help with something?"

"No, don't tell me. I want to guess," said the Fuhrer. Obedient as always, Gluttony didn't tell him. And Pride left, perhaps to write some more in his pink electronic diary or to bake some muffins or to drink some tea or something like that.

A single tear rolled down poor Gluttony's chubby cheek.

And so, Gluttony was unable to get help with getting a girlfriend.

And THAT, dear reader, is why Gluttony is so sad.


	2. Of Pride and Muffins

**Chapter Two: **Of Pride and Muffins

Pride has a problem.

You see, Pride is naturally a very headstrong, cocky person. Being the "Perfect Homunculus" that he is, he has always been expected by the others to be a take-charge, powerful, reliable kind of guy. He's the one that the other Homunculi would always go to if they needed help tying their shoelaces, or opening a jar of pickles, or something like that.

But all of this responsibility and respect doesn't make Pride happy. Far from it, actually. It makes the unfortunate Fuhrer feel overworked, tired, and misunderstood. He didn't ASK to be a "Perfect Homunculus", after all. He would much rather kick back and relax, sit in nature and eat his freshly baked blueberry muffins.

Pride could do this whenever he wanted when he was with his family, of course, but Dante had been calling the President-king back to her Evil Lair of Doom more often as of late, as the other Homunculi were becoming increasingly more and more rowdy and out of hand.

Pride had taken the 667 to the Evil Lair of Doom, quickly stopping in Amsterdam to pick up some muffin recipes. Now, you may not believe me, but Amsterdam has THE best muffin recipes ANYWHERE. Better than SWEDEN. BETTER THAN SWITZERLAND.

Even better than New Orleans. And since New Orleans muffins are pretty darn great, you can just IMAGINE how good the Amsterdam muffins taste.

But regardless of muffins or New Orleans or Evil Lairs, Pride had barely entered Dante's Mansion when he walked straight into Gluttony. After a moment of hushed silence, Gluttony spoke.

"Pride, can I ask you for help with something?"

What a ridiculous question. It really didn't matter what Pride said next, because Gluttony would immediately launch into his aforementioned "something", probably some ridiculous question about some type of food. Pride snorted. Of course it would be about food. That was all Gluttony EVER talked about. Such an insensitive lad. "No, don't tell me," said Pride. "I want to guess."

Obedient as always, Gluttony didn't tell him. And Pride was through the door before you could say "antidisestablishmentarianism".

At last happily reclining in his favorite rocking chair, Pride threw off his heavy work-coat and began to rifle through his recently acquired muffin recipes. He just HAD to see how good the Amsterdam muffins REALLY were.

* * *

In case you didn't know, Pride's muffin fetish is courtesy of the immensely talented author duo of "Bat and Dizzy Spider". If the two of you happen to come across this story, bravo for creating such an entertaining concept. 

Be sure to R&R!

**Next Chapter:** Of Pink Diaries, Greed, and Sabotage


	3. Of Pink Diaries, Greed, and Sabotage

**Chapter Three: **Of Pink Diaries, Greed, and Sabotage

Greed has a plan.

Now, we all know that Greed is an extremely charismatic person, one that always gets what he wants. And what does he want? Everything.

Yes, Greed wants absolutely everything. A lofty and unrealistic goal, to be sure, but Greed doesn't care. He's the greedy Greed, and money, women and subordinates all belong to him. Everything belongs to him—he's super greedy, after all.

Now, Greed doesn't really like Pride all that much. Pride has a position of power among the others, and Greed resents him for that. He despises Pride for his station and wants to steal it away from him as soon as possible. It belongs to him. EVERYTHING belongs to him.

So, Greed wanted to not only steal away Pride's respect, but also to completely break his spirit and self respect. He'd leave the Fuhrer a broken shell of a man, while happily basking in his former glory all the while.

But how to do it?

His first thought was to steal one of Pride's muffin recipes.

His second was to steal his pink electronic diary.

His third was to do both.

Quickly rushing into the kitchen, he quickly grabbed up Pride's half-baked New Orleans blueberry muffins. Taking a small bite, he decided that he still liked the Swedish toffees better and left a note: _You have been pwned by the Greedy Greed._

Laughing hysterically to himself, he rushed outside and chuckled as he imagine Pride's despair over his unfortunate batch of muffins.

Bounding into Pride's chambers, Greed quickly rifled through his belongings. And at the very bottom of the piles sat a pink electronic diary.

Trembling with anticipation, Greed began to pry the journal open.

"_Password_," rang the diary.

"Muffin man," laughed Greed.

"_Correct_," conceded the diary. It's electronic lock broken, the protective seal split into two pieces.

Greed smiled. Now he'd read the private thoughts of Pride to all the others! He'd make the President-king into the laughingstock of the mansion.

Strolling into the living room, Greed found the other Homunculi gathered around his rival. "Well, hello there, Pride! Missing your muffins, are you?"

A look of dawning comprehension passed over Pride's face. "You did this, Greed? You're the blackguard who mauled my muffins? You're the vandal who pounded my pastries?"

Greed grinned. "Damn straight! I ripped those pansy muffins of yours to shreds! And what's more, I've got your DIARY!"

Pride stared at his sharp-toothed nemesis.

He glanced to the diary.

"If you must," mumbled Pride, his voice wavering, on the verge of tears.

And he slowly turned and walked out the door.

Greed laughed. "Now, who wants to see what the loser's diary says?"

But rather than the chorus of cheers that he expected, Greed's yells were met with naught but silence.

"No," said Gluttony. "You're the loser here, Greed. If you can't respect other's wishes and property, than it's no wonder that Dante kicked your sorry ass out on the street in the anime. Go back to your room and think things over, then come back later and we'll have a little talk with Pride about kindness and respect."

Greed just stared, befuddled. "Um…Okay," he said. And he left.

Pleased, Gluttony turned back to the television and continued watching _News Hour with Jim Lehrer_. How he loved Jim Lehrer.

* * *

Wow, thanks for all of the feedback! I really appreciate it. Remember, reviews not only crank out the chapters faster, they also give the authors inspiration. So do the right thing. Send out a review to an author near you. 

Also, many thanks for adding this to the _Seven Sins_ C2 list! I'll do my best to make sure I stay on.

**Next Chapter:** Of Lust, Wrath and Beauty Rest


	4. Of Lust, Wrath, and Beauty Rest

**Chapter Four:** Of Lust, Wrath and Beauty Rest

Wrath is bored.

Now, we all know that Wrath is the kind of brat that always needs to have something or he'll make such a ruckus that his supervisors will be forced to give it to him just to preserve their sanity. Normally, Sloth kept the young Homunculus in line, but Dante had suggested that she should take a long-overdue hiatus from her duties. And with Envy now always out on the town, the task of watching Wrath was left to the second oldest, Lust.

But unfortunately for the other Homunculi, Lust had no intention of supervising the child. No, Lust had more important things to do. Namely, getting her Beauty Rest.

Lust argued with Dante, claming that she had no connections to the kid and there was no reason that somebody like Pride couldn't do it, but Dante was adamant. In the end, Lust was stuck with babysitting the brat.

Lust would much rather get her Beauty Rest than waste her time consoling the kid, so she left the duty to Gluttony. A bad idea, as it turned out, because Gluttony really doesn't know how to be with children. Wrath, always perceptive, noticed Gluttony's apparent displeasure at having to baby-sit the child and quickly twisted it to his advantage.

"Hey Gluttony, let's play Hide and Go Seek!"

"Um."

"Here, you hide, an' I'll seek. I'll count to 20."

"Um."

Gluttony quickly bounded away, completely befuddled as to what Wrath wanted him to do. In the end, he decided that he'd much rather be eating. And that's just what he did.

Pleased that his would-be caretaker was out of the way, Wrath quickly ran up to Lust's door. He wanted a REAL babysitter, and he didn't care how many people that he'd have to annoy the hell out of to get one.

So he knocked on Lust's door. "Lust!" he yelled. "You have to play with me NOW!"

Wrath waited a few seconds before calling out yet again. "If you don't come out and play with me, I'm gonna cry!"

And Lust didn't come out. And he cried.

But still, Lust didn't come out. So Wrath used his mad alchemy skills and made some pots and pans. He began to make an ungodly racket, banging and clanging and crashing and smashing.

But still, Lust didn't come out.

Wrath decided to wait her out. And so he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But still, Lust didn't come out.

Angry, Wrath kicked the door. He stubbed his toe.

Yelping, he created a pail of ice-cold water and began to soak his aching toe. He grimaced.

Then Wrath got an idea.

An AWFUL idea.

Wrath got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!

Opening the door to Lust's bedroom, Wrath quickly placed the bucket of water on the very top. Giggling, he quickly slipped through the small crack ever so carefully. He laughed. When Lust would finally get up and open the door, the freezing water would splash down on her, and Wrath would blame it on Gluttony. That's what she got for making him wait!

He curled up on the couch, and waited for Lust's angry screech.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And in the end, he got fed up with it all. He stormed upstairs, threw Lust's door open and yelled "All right, you win! I'm bored sick of this!"

And the ice-cold bucket of water flew off the door, spun around in midair, and splashed down upon his head.

Lust opened an eye. "I thought so," she nodded. "Wrath, you're a loser."

And he was.


	5. Of Metaphors

**Chapter Five:** Of Metaphors

Gluttony walked into the kitchen, cheerily gulping down bowl after bowl of ice cream. Remembering his manners, he quickly grabbed the tablecloth, sending Pride's New Amsterdam muffins flying this way and that. Gluttony, however, was too caught up in wiping the remnants of the big bowl off his cherubic cheeks to notice. "I SCREAM for ice cream!" he hollered, grinning adorably.

It was then he noticed Pride's fresh-baked muffins, strewn on the floor.

"Whoops," he mumbled.

It was at that very inopportune moment that the former Fuhrer chose to enter the room.

"My muffins!" squeaked Pride, throwing his single-scoop bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream away as he let out a squeal. "Who would do this?" he gasped, sobbing uncontrollably. "Gluttony, did you see the miscreant who massacred my muffins?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you, Pride," mumbled the larger of the two. "It was Envy, he smacked 'em all over the place and ran out the window."

"DAMN!" roared Pride, drawing his bayonet. "That BASTARD! Envy, I'm going to kill you until you're DEAD!" He charged out of the window and the rest of the chapter.

An eternity too late, Gluttony spoke up. "Umm, if you kill him, he'll never get his ice cream, see, it's over there." He motioned to a ridiculously large bowl that nearly took up half the room, leaving the readers to ponder why I hadn't mentioned it before.

When nobody answered, Gluttony shrugged and continued to devour the ice cream that should have been Envy's. He was so caught up in eating, he failed to notice an extremely content Lust and sorry-looking Wrath enter the kitchen. Lust carried a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream, to which Wrath was constantly begging for a spoonful.

"Get your own," breathed Lust, annoyed. "It wasn't my fault that there wasn't any Mint Chocolate Chip left."

"No FAIR!" whined the smaller of the duo. "They've got Mint Chocolate Chip EVERYWHERE but here. I hate you!"

"That's no way to get my ice cream, kid! And I was just about to give you some, too…"

"Really?" inquired the second.

"No," admitted the buxom Homunculus. "But, boy, you should've seen the look on your face!"

"I HATE you!" shrieked the second. "HATE! HATE! HATE!"

Greed strode in, looking all pimpish with those ghetto glasses of his. "Hey, chillens," he ghettoed. "Wassup?"

Wrath's eyes immediately shot to the double scoop of Mint Chocolate Chip the older Homunculus carried. "WOW! Can you give me some?"

"Nope," replied his brother. "I'm the Greedy Greed. Deal with it."

And just like that, he was gone. Wrath, furious, exploded. His millions of shards shot out the each of jillion other houses in America which HAVE his oh-so-precious Mint Chocolate Chip.

Sloth entered, holding a small scoop of vanilla. It wasn't much, but it was all she needed. "Hello there," she smiled to Gluttony. "Here, I have some ice cream. Would you like to share with me?"

"WOULD I!" smiled Gluttony. Everyone burst out into warm laughter as a black circle engulfed them all.

**Author's Note:** Many thanks to Link and Luigi from creating such an entertaining concept. Now…can you guess what this 'ice cream' business is really about?


	6. Of Dreams

**Chapter Six:** Of Dreams

Greed had everything.

Money, women, and power were all his.

He ruled from his throne of gold, from where he spread his reign of avarice throughout the world.

People stole from others, by force if necessary. There was chaos, pandemonium, and utter lawlessness.

But Greed didn't care, because the chaos was HIS.

Everything was his.

He strode into the butcher's shop. "King Greed!" the people cried. "King Greed, the great! Welcome!"

Ignoring the peasants' shouts, the Homunculus snatched up links of sausage, joints of beef. Greedily as befitted his name, the king gobbled up the meat, the butcher, and the counter. They were his, they were disposable. "Hooray!" shouted the people. "That's Greed for you!"

Getting annoyed at the crowd's rambling, Greed proceeded to eat the street, lampposts and peasants and all. He patted his very full stomach. He was full, to be sure, but his appetite for avarice couldn't be sated. He looted the houses in the blink of an eye, and ate the valuables. Why shouldn't he? They were his.

He would've devoured the whole world then and there if he didn't trip on the smallest little rock, sending the colossal Homunculus sprawling on the ground, unable to push himself back up. Just then, he saw the smallest mouse, humming as he trotted back and forth, parading in front of the poor despot.

"You, mouse!" called Greed. "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"No," came the answer.

"Ignoring the fact that mice can't talk, why the hell not?" replied the angry Greed.

"You can't get up because of your insane greed! You've taken everything in the world, and now you've got make a choice...abandon the goods and leave, or stay there forever, a victim of your foolish greed!"

"I'll never let anything go!" spat Greed.

"Your greed…it's becoming even more foolish," sighed the mouse. He turned into King Bradley, and sliced up the unsuspecting Greed into a zillion tiny pieces.

Greed woke up with a start.

He cupped his hand to his forehead, breathing heavily. "Damn, that was a bad dream. Oh, well! Off to take the world." He changed into his work-clothes and strode out the door.

And just like that, Greed didn't learn his lesson.


	7. Afraid

**Chapter Seven:** Afraid

Gluttony shivered, sending a shockwave that traveled down his rotund mass and inadvertedly smashed open one of Dante's priceless vases. Strangely enough, the bulky Homunculus took no note of this _travesty_, and instead drew his fluffy blanket over his head.

He groped blindly, fumbling around. Turning desperately, he grasped for a window, but his powerful arms shattered it in twain. He let out a gasp, gazing out over the terrace towards the night. No stars dotted the dark velvet blanket that seemed to envelop everything, and he felt so very, very small.

Then a melodious voice pierced the night. "Gluttony?" asked Sloth. "What are you doing?"

"I'm blind," whispered Gluttony. "And—And, I'm tired, I'm hungry too, and my feet hurt."

"Gluttony," explained Sloth patiently. "You're a Homunculus. You don't _feel_. You never tire."

"I'm still blind!" protested that chubby card.

"That's because you appear to have stuck carrots inside your eyes, Gluttony," sighed Sloth.

"Wrath said they were _candy_!" Gluttony laughed. Both sins chuckled happily as a black circle engulfed them.


End file.
